What’s your favourite colour?

When I say I’m shy my friends point out the times when I show a confidence they think they would not have in the same circumstances – acting, dramatic readings, as quiz master or stepping in as emergency Toddler Rhyme Time leader. But with all of these I’m not being me – I’m hiding behind the material, whether it is Shakespeare, trivia or Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. It’s when, even in a small group of close friends, I have to be me that I get self-conscious.

Suppose for instance, I’m asked a simple question like ‘What’s your favourite colour?’ – a question nobody could have a problem with, surely? – this is what goes through my mind:

Oh no, this is not an open and shut right or wrong question that I can just show off my knowledge about. I’m being asked to make a choice. What is my choice? I don’t know. Is it OK to say I don’t have a favourite or is that making a choice? Why do I have to choose? It’s not fair. Leave me alone. Ask somebody else.

Oh no, a normal person would have answered by now. What kind of freak can’t answer a simple question like that?

Maybe there’s a right answer. What’s other people’s favourite colour? Well, Proust mentions mauve a lot. Should I say mauve? But mauve is an effeminate colour. So? Am I being homophobic by not choosing mauve? My daughter, like most young girls, likes pink. Should I say mauve or pink to show solidarity with gays and girls? What’s the lesbian colour? Is it lilac or lavender or isn’t there one? Hang on, do I like any of these colours? I don’t think so but I don’t know what I like. Leave me alone.

What were the colours on Joseph’s Dreamcoat in the song? Great, now I’ve got a Rice and Lloyd Webber ear worm in my head!

Aaagh. I’ve hesitated too long. They’re expecting something good and well thought out now.

Blue is cool and calm, red is passionate. Which am I? Neither, both, sometimes one, sometimes the other. Which do I want to be seen as? Leave me alone!

What about the word? Should I say a simple word like red, green or orange or a more obscure word like Titian, cobalt or ecru? Will I come across as pretentious? Amusingly pretentious or annoyingly pretentious?

Women can tell apart colours better than men can, they say. And they have a larger colour vocabulary. Interesting but I still have to choose and that’s not helping.

What if I say I like a colour and every present I ever get from now on is in the colour I said I liked… and I realise that I don’t actually like that colour?

Can I make a joke of it? Say something amusingly disgusting? Snot green, poo brown or period red? No, not period red! What are you thinking, you warped misogynist? You can’t say that!

What was that book that claimed to be able to analyse your personality based on which coloured card you liked best? The Luscher Colour Test. I remember the colour I always liked least was grey. So, not grey then. But I’m being asked what colour I like best not worst! Help!

In Chemistry at school I found the cobalt chloride crystals beautiful. How about cobalt, then? It’s an intense shade of blue. Cobalt skies are fantastic. But I also liked the purple iodine crystals and they change directly from a solid to a gas. It’s called sublimation… Oh dear, I’ve gone off on a tangent and they’re still waiting for an answer to a simple question.

‘Erm,’ I finally say, ‘I don’t really have one. It changes from day to day.’ Oh no, why did I say that?

Yep, sure enough, I’m asked, ‘So, what’s your favourite colour today?’

Aaaagh! I’m going to have to think it through all over again.